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    Turkey Lurkey as played by Dorothy Zbornack as played by Bea Arthur on Golden Girls! Listen, there’s a good reason why that screenshot is blurrier than the vision of a drunken mess opening their eyes while underwater during a storm. If it was crisp, the gloriousness of icon of icons Bea Arthur in Turkey Lurkey

    Turkey Lurkey as played by Dorothy Zbornack as played by Bea Arthur on Golden Girls!

    Listen, there’s a good reason why that screenshot is blurrier than the vision of a drunken mess opening their eyes while underwater during a storm. If it was crisp, the gloriousness of icon of icons Bea Arthur in Turkey Lurkey drag would break your retinas. How do you think I busted my retina? But seriously, Dorothy’s Turkey Lurkey was an HSOTD way back in 2010 but deserves the title every single Thanksgiving.

    Turkey is also a slang word for a dumb loser, right? But honestly, I’m surprised that didn’t change in 1991. I’m shocked that turkey didn’t become a slang word for a ravishing tower of a woman. Because on a season 6 Golden Girls episode titled Henny Penny — Straight, No Chaser, Dorothy Zbornack became a feathered vision of stern glamour when she played Turkey Lurkey in a play version of the fable of Henny Penny, which inspired that Chicken Little movie.

    The episode, which aired on May 4, 1991, was ahead of its time! Because in it, Dorothy produces a school play starring children. But then her students catch the flu and have to be quarantined (yes, the Golden Girls predicted the pandemic 30 years before), so Dorothy gets Rose, Sophia, and Blanche to step in and help her save the day. Rose plays Henny Penny, a bird-brained hen who thought the sky fell on her head when it was really an acorn. Henny’s dumbass decides to warn the King and while making her way, she meets the devastatingly sexy Goosey Loosey (whose milkshake brings all the ganders to the yard) and the one and only Turkey Lurkey and easily convinces them that the sky is really falling. Basically, it’s a fake news PSA. And as they make their way to warn the King about it, a shady and fancy fox named Foxy Loxy tricks their asses and tells them he knows a shortcut to the palace and instead lures them to his den where, unbeknownst to them, he plans to eat their asses (and not in a sexy way). The video below ends before Rose breaks the fourth wall and begs the kids to clap if they want to save Henny, Goosey, and Turkey. They don’t so Rose curses those mean brats! Honestly, I’m not sure why this didn’t immediately transfer to Broadway! It should’ve gone to Broadway for Bea Arthur’s legendary delivery of “help” alone!

    When my overstuffed carcass is laid out on the sofa later today and I need to be pulled off by a relative so that I can go for a seventh helping of whatever’s left, I’ll make sure to do my best sultry Turkey Lurkey delivery of “help,” although I’ll end up sounding like a dying pelican with laryngitis.

    Pic: Hulu

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